Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1) Read online

  “I'll be there soon. I'm snagging a rental car.” I stomped off and soon found that snagging a rental car when you're nineteen years old in Vegas is damned near impossible. If I heard, “sorry sir, you have to be 21 to rent a car, it's policy” one more time I was going to hurl something heavy at someone's head.

  A cab it would be. I hailed one outside the airport and started the slow crawl toward my mom, who was hopefully; passed out by the time I got there. I wasn't entirely certain I could maintain my cool if she wasn't. Her behavior was just inexcusable to me. My dad had cheated on her, repeatedly, and the minute he needed money, he always found a way to sucker her back in. The worst part was she was so afraid of being alone that she fell for it every damn time. I may have wanted to beat the living shit out of my dad, but I wouldn't mind giving my mom the lobotomy she so obviously needed either. I love her, and she has stuck by me, never abandoning me through all their crazy adulterous drama, but that didn't mean she didn't need a foot up her ass too.

  I found myself digging in my pocket in search of my cell on the way to the hotel. My shoulders slumped when I remembered once again that Jason had dropped it in the shitter at the apartment before I left. I knew Sasha would understand, but I hoped Jason hadn't waited to deliver my message and let her know what was going on. If nothing else, I'd borrow mom's phone when I got to the hotel and call her then. I missed the hell out of that girl right now. Hell, I should have gone by and picked her up and brought her with me.

  She'd probably kick my ass if she knew why. Aside from the fact that I didn't want her to have to deal with my family's drama, my real reason was pretty simple. It was too damn easy to get married in Vegas, and if I brought her here, I would have made it happen without a second thought. I don't think she realized yet how much I loved her, which is why I couldn't bring her here and scare her off by trying to marry her when I hadn't proven myself yet.

  I'd fucked up our relationship big time from the start. From day one, after I asked her out on our first official date, I was doing stupid shit like nervously blurting out how I wished other girls could be more like her. By the look on her face, I knew she took it wrong. I didn't mean that I wanted other girls, if they acted more like she did. I meant, the opposite. She was so different, and it made it ridiculously hard to keep my feelings for her at bay. I just kept saying and doing the wrong things.

  Then there was the night at the frat party, when we had sex for the first time. When I made love to her. She had been a virgin, and damn if that hadn't been the shock of a lifetime. I spent a few months in high school resenting the fact that she'd given her virginity away to that douche nozzle, Scott. Only, apparently he'd been lying, and I'd been the only one sleeping around with other people the whole time. I was embarrassed by that fact when I realized she was a virgin that night. Then, I was equally ashamed of myself, because it was her first time ever, our first time together, and we were both drunk and on some stranger's bed at a frat party. Not one of my finer moments in life, and way less than Sasha had deserved. I still hadn't been able to bring myself to talk to her about it, because I figured at least a small part of her had to hate me for that night. If I had known… Well, obviously, that was why hindsight was a bitch. How could I have known? She never bothered to correct the rumors back in high school, not even to me.

  It seemed to take forever, and no time at all, to get to the hotel. I managed to check into my own room across the hall from my mother's suite in fairly little time as well. Once I was upstairs I took my bags directly to my room, dropped them, and walked across the hall to bang on my mother's door.

  She answered with her cell phone glued to her ear as she slurred out curses to the man, obviously my father, on the other end of the line. “I can't believe you had that harlot at the house you want me to buy for us, and you think I'm still going to go through with it?” I was translating her drunk speak in my head as I heard it. She really didn't sound that put together. “This is the last damn straw. I'm done with you. Forget me, forget my number, and just forget everything, you sorry piece of shit, lying, cheating bastard!” She screamed into the phone and then threw it across the room where it managed to smash into teeny tiny little useless pieces. My stomach dropped at the sight. That meant it would take even longer to get a phone call out to my girl.

  I sighed, pulled my now weeping mom into my arms, and held onto her while the alcohol and heartbreak wreaked havoc with her emotional state.

  Chapter Three

  ~Sasha~

  April 30 - I didn't want to change my phone number while I was still waiting for a call from Kade, but according to the phone company guys, it was going to be the only way to make the unwanted spam calls and texts stop. What a freaking nightmare. Kristin must have seen the panic on my face because she put her hand on my shoulder, and spun me around to face away from the phone guy. “Okay, so you get a new number. It's not the end of the world, and I know you feel like he's the one who needs to contact you, and he is after all the messages you left, but we'll just suck it up and go over to his apartment in person. Okay? I'll go with you. Honestly, you need to deliver this news in person anyway. No need to keep waiting for him to continue to be a schmuck for whatever reason.”

  Everything she just said made total sense. I found myself nodding in agreement as I turned back to the phone guy. “Fine, can you get my number changed, please?”

  “Sure thing. It'll be a few minutes. I need to make sure my manager is aware of the situation too. We don't want your old number getting repopulated to someone else who will just pick up the same problem you had.” I nodded, and went to browse absently through the throngs of phones and tablets on display in the store.

  “Everything is going to be okay,” Kristin said to me as she rested her hand soothingly on my back.

  “If that were true, he would have all ready called.” I sighed heavily, letting my shoulders sag around me for a minute. “It was a small fight.” My words were no more than a whisper. “I mean, wasn't it? He could have said yes or no about the living arrangements, and I would have been fine with us either living together or separately for another semester until we were both more certain of things, you know?”

  Kristin shook her head, agreeing with me.

  “But he hasn't called. What does it mean that he hasn't called?

  “I wish I could tell you, Sash. There's no telling what's going through that boy's head, or any boy's head for that matter. They're confusing creatures if you ask me.” She smiled. “Maybe we should pop in and ask our sexy neighbors across the hall.”

  “Yeah, I'm sure that's how they'd like to interact with the strangers across the hall who sometimes bake them cookies.” I laughed a little. “Here, have some chocolate chip, and tell us all the secrets of your sex.”

  “On second thought show us the secrets of your sex,” Kristin laughed out while waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

  “Pervert!” It was the first time I'd really managed a laugh in a few days though, so I was more than okay with her gutter-brain antics.

  “Seriously though, maybe they'd be able to shed some insight, you never know. Plus, they're both freaking hot as hell, so eye candy would help the situation.”

  “Yeah, you know how I don't like other people's drama?” Kristin's head nodded vigorously. “I also don't like saddling people, especially strangers, with my own drama. I think I'll pass for now. Eye candy or not. We can just go over to the apartment after I get my phone situation straightened out, and go from there. Just,” I grabbed hold of her hand like it was my lifeline. “Please, don't leave me there alone. I'm so afraid of how this is going to go.”

  “I've always got your back, Sash. Although, I don't think you'll need it. Whatever asinine excuse he has for not calling, I think he'll forget all about it once he hears your news. If nothing else, I know that boy won't be leaving his best friend high and dry.”

  ~*~

  One whole hour and a new phone number later and Kristin and I were on our way to Kade and Jas
on's apartment. I didn't see Kade's old beat up Honda Civic outside, but Jason's truck was there. We knocked on the door and Jason came to it wearing only boxers, mussed up bed head, and a smile.

  “Forget your panties babe?” He asked in a silky smooth voice before he looked up and noticed who was at the door. “Oh, what do you want?” He snapped at me, the smile falling from his face to be replaced by a hard look I certainly didn't feel I had earned.

  “I came to see Kade,” I replied a little meekly for my own taste.

  He opened the door wider for me to come inside. I did, and Kristin trailed in behind me before he could shut the door. He nodded his head back to Kade's half-opened bedroom door and I walked that way. Jason waited until I could see inside before he spoke.

  “He's gone. He packed his shit days ago, and told me he was hitting up a flight to Vegas to go see his dad, and maybe stay awhile.”

  “What?” I cried out, not believing that for one minute. “Why on earth would he go see his father, whom he hates?”

  “His exact words?” Jason asked incredulously.

  I simply nodded, that yes, I wanted his exact words.

  “I can't deal with this shit, or her ultimatums. I feel stuck between you two and I can't win. I'm getting out of here for a while to clear my head. I may not like the bastard, but at least Vegas will offer a good escape. I knew better than to go there with her in the first place, and now… I see why I never did before.”

  My jaw was probably on the floor then. I was barely holding back my tears. I took out a sheet of paper from the unused journal I was still carrying around in my purse and wrote my new cell number on it. “I, um,” my voice was shaking with emotion as I spoke. “I have a new number. If you hear from him, please pass it along. He can be mad at me all he wants, but I do have something important to tell him.”

  Jason just nodded, took the paper, and then tossed his head to the door. We had officially worn out our welcome here. I managed to make it back to my car, barely able to see the door handle. I clutched for it a few times as the tears started free falling down my cheeks. “Oh, no you don't. Go get in the passenger side, chica. I got this.” Kristin walked me around and tucked me into the car before getting in to drive us both back to our own apartment.

  “I can't believe that insensitive rat-bastard!” Kristin huffed out as she drove.

  “Which one?” I asked, honestly meaning it at the time.

  “Um, I was talking about Jason,” she offered while side-eyeing me briefly before returning her attention back to the road. “I don't know the real deal, or even if Jason was telling the truth about what was said. He could have been making it up.”

  “Why would he?” I sighed. “It's not like Kade's own actions aren't backing him up a little bit at this point. It's been almost a week and he hasn't called, texted, nothing. What do I even say to that? It's not like I have been silent on my end. I tried calling and texting even before I found out I was pregnant.”

  Another wave of anxiety shot through me as I said that word. It sounded so foreign to my ears in the moment, and my hands ventured straight to my still very flat and toned belly. “I'm…” the words died off before I could let them flow so freely from my mouth again. My head dropped back against the seat and I shuddered out another deep breath while trying to stave off more tears. Damn it, I had to stop crying. It wasn't really like me to cry so damn much.

  “It's still a shock, honey. Let it settle in a bit. You'll be fine.”

  I'm so glad that she simply told me to let it settle in. She was truly my best friend, because not once since she saw my positive test did she ask what I was going to do about it. She all ready knew. We'd had this discussion on and off since high school. Especially when rumors flew of other girls we knew getting abortions. I never judged them for their decision, but I always made it clear it wouldn't be mine. I didn't think I could live with the guilt of going through with that. I'm sure I could, in theory, like everyone else. I suppose I wasn't brave enough to put it to the test. Besides, if the fates saw fit to bless me with a baby, who was I to say no to that little miracle? And now, that very thing had happened. No doubt, it happened on the first ever night I had sex; with the man I had loved since we were children, and hoped to spend my eternity with.

  Tears fell again as I realized my eternity with him may have just been cut short, and I would possibly never know the reason why. We were finally back at our apartment, and it took that long for Kristin to gather the courage to bring up the subject again as she looked truly nervous to speak when we stepped into the apartment.

  “Sash, do you think maybe…”

  “Just spit it out. Do you think he was seeing someone else? I wouldn't have thought he could ever be a cheater after seeing what his parents went through, but…”

  “Oh, God, no. I was just going to suggest that you make an appointment with the clinic, and you know, have it verified before you freak out anymore. One home test could be wrong, you know?”

  “Yeah,” I didn't think it was wrong, but I supposed the stress of everything else going on could be causing weird things to happen with me that mimic pregnancy symptoms. “I'll do that now.” Ten minutes later I had an appointment for the following day at the school clinic. I still wasn't sure how I felt about possibly not being pregnant, or having my pregnancy confirmed. Considering how things were currently playing out, it would probably be better if the test had been wrong. The weird thing was, just thinking that made me feel horrible, like I was betraying the potential baby in my belly. I was all over the place with my emotions, I realized, and suddenly I just couldn't do it any more. I went to my bed, curled up under the covers, and fell into a deep sleep. I wish I could say it was a restful sleep, but that just wasn't in the cards.

  ~*~

  May 1 -

  I didn't emerge from my room again until six the next morning. I got up, showered, dressed, ate my breakfast, and sat on the couch waiting for the appropriate time to leave for my very early morning appointment at the clinic. I was aware that my roommate was watching me go through the motions of my life in a robotic trance, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was about to have my fate handed to me by some person barely older than me working on their med school requirements. Them taking care of me was part of their grade, but those results would rule the rest of my life.

  Three and a half hours later I was numbly leaving the clinic with a prescription for prenatal vitamins, a list of possible OB/GYN docs that were nearby, and my heart in my hands. I was definitely pregnant. Apparently I was due to have my baby on December 14th, which as luck would have it, was literally one week between my birthday and Kade's. I was born on the 7th and he was born on the 21st. “What kind of voodoo magic has to happen to make our baby's due date a week to the day from each of our birthdays?” I had been thinking that in my head, but apparently my mouth decided to put a voice to my thoughts.

  “Sasha,” Kristin whispered as her hand covered mine. We were still sitting in my car, in the parking lot at the student clinic. “I don't know whether to tell you I'm sorry, or it'll be okay. I wish I had some more answers for you. I wish he would stop being a dumbass and get his butt in gear. I can't change any of that for you though, so what do you need me to do? How can I help you?”

  “Take me home, please?” She simply nodded, started the car, and we were off without another word spoken while I wondered how I could possibly have gone this far off course just because I was in love with my best friend, who apparently never felt the same way.

  I decided that feeling sorry for myself simply would not get anything done, so I texted the devil himself.

  ME (to Jason) - Please, tell Kade it is important I talk to him, even if he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. It's so important!

  I included my new number too since I knew it wouldn't show up and I didn't trust that the jerk hadn't thrown the paper away that had the number on it.

  We were already at the apartment, and headed up the stairs to our apartmen
t when I got notification of an incoming text. I stopped on the landing to read it while Kristin unlocked the door and went inside.

  JASON - Kade moved to Nevada permanently to get away from your crazy ass. Packed his shit and left. Thanks for running off my roomy & best friend! No need to send any more messages. He doesn't want them, and I don't feel the need to help you.

  “Oh, God!” I yelped just as my neighbor came out of his apartment door. My legs gave out and I collapsed where I stood. Brad caught me just before my knees hit the wooden decking beneath me. The papers from the clinic I'd been clutching with my phone fell scattered around us.

  “Sasha?” Brad's compassionate tone caught me off guard.

  “He's gone. I didn't even get to tell him…” Brad's free hand scraped together the papers, the prescription for the vitamins being the top piece. He looked at the paper and then at me with a question in his eye. I simply shook my head and then the sobbing commenced. Brad scooped me up into his lap and held me there against him. I think I felt him kiss the top of my head and whisper words to me that said it would be okay, but honestly, I couldn't hear him over the shattering of my own heart.

  “What in the world?” Kristin's voice finally cut through the raw emotion that was spilling out of me.

  “She was looking at her phone, said something about him being gone, and she would have hit the floor after that if I hadn't caught her.” Brad calmly explained to my roommate.

  “Thanks for that. It's been a rough week for her,” she offered. He held the papers out to her so she'd know that he knew why. Then Kristin picked up my phone and read the text I'd received from Jason. I heard her intake of breath, the curses she uttered against both Jason and Kade, and then she pulled herself together. “Can you bring her in?” She asked our neighbor, and he obliged, picking me up and carrying me bridal style through the doorway of our apartment. He carried me all the way to my bed, where he pulled my shoes from my feet, tucked me in, and sat quietly beside my roommate as they held vigil while I sobbed myself to sleep.